The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
