you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
