I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
How external is "for external use only"?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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