And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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