I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
