it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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