I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
