I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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