I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
