Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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