My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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