I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
COCAINE IS GR8
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
