You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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