So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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