just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
