i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
