Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
