Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
