Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
