I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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