Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
