I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
