Already got asked if we're dating
You can't special order awesome
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
