Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize