I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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