Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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