new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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