You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
