Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
