All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
