She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
