She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I would ride that face into the sunset
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
