Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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