No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
