It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
