"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm like, not good at living.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
