who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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