my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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