i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
