So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
