the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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