Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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