my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Hippo gnu deer
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
A bitchslap is in order.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
