I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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