i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
