So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
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