apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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