the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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