i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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