Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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