I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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