There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Acid is not a monday night drug
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
the gays at disneyland are vicious
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
