Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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