You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
