I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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