TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
