oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
