just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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