Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
