I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
