My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
