Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
the liver wants what the liver wants
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
