I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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